A Dream Deferred

Every now and then my still burning passion for television journalism and that "fab" career flares up unexpectedly. Sometimes it comes from watching a reporter who should really find another career field, other times it comes from hearing the stories of friends who are "making it," and still other days it might come from the question of an old friend asking, what have you been up to?
For those of you who know me well, you remember a time when motherhood was nothing more than a fleeting thought for me. Something to check off on the list of things "to do" in a successful life. For years my career was my driving force and focus. As far back as my senior year of high school I remember plotting, planning, taking careful steps to insure that one day I'd be swinging through studio doors in New York City, or working on Capitol Hill. I could hear the Kelly Clarkson song ringing in my ears - "Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging with revolving doors, maybe I don't know where they'll take me, but I gotta keep movin' on, movin' on. Fly away, breakaway...I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly."
And fly I did, off to school, a White House internship and the fast track to a career that, even on the worst day, was still great.
As I sit here, not a television reporter, but very blessed to have experienced it, even if for a moment; I wonder what happens to a dream deferred. Does it really shrivel up like a raisin in the sun? Does it really rot? I contend that it does neither. I think a dream deferred grows and matures. I think takes root in things more important than impressions, fame and self -importance. Sometimes, it may even change.
Today I am in a hotel room in Arizona, trying to squeak some family time out of a crazy, military life. I realize that now another song is ringing in my ear - "I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe. So I'm letting go. This is a giant leap of faith. Trusting and trying to embrace."
What I couldn't have imagined as the focused college student or driven professional is the joy and satisfaction that comes from being a wife and a mom. As simple as it seems, and almost embarrassing, in this "she woman, hear me roar" world, it is what it is. I am happy and mostly fulfilled with my current job - wife and mom. I can say mostly fulfilled b/c even on their best days no job is completely fulfilling. No one thing was ever meant to be, but that's a post for another day.
In the end, it's hard to believe that before I've even turned 30 (yes, i'm NOT there yet) that a dream could be completely gone. There is no telling what the future holds. I couldn't have imagined being where I am, and maybe that's part of the excitement. I can sit and plan all day, and still not have a clue about what is going to happen next. Do I think this burning desire that I still have is just to inflict pain? No. Do I think I'll be anchoring the network evening news? Hmmm....probably not. Do I think that this drive and passion will go to waste? Not a chance. I do know this, my experience and education makes me one of the most over-qualified stay-at-home moms around, but it also makes me good at my job. Because without hesitation, any day of the week, I can tell you, I am a mom and I am GREAT at my job.
So, what happens to a dream deferred - we'll just have to wait and see.